Tag Archives: hormones

Bacon Wrapped Pregnant Chicks- A Mea Culpa

I was driving home from my prenatal appointment yesterday morning, listening to the radio.  I had to go in for my 20 week check.  All good.  The kiddo’s heartbeat is there and strong, he was sitting down in the bottom of my uterus so there was a couple moments of nervousness while the OB searched around on my belly with the doppler and in the process got my whole tummy covered in blue goo.  Finally she found it and it was fine.  140 bpm, and strong. As suspected.  She measured my fundus, which just sounds dirty. I’m not sure why they call it a fundus. Why not just call it my uterus? It is, after all, my uterus the only difference is that it is full of little alien and placenta and amniotic fluid.  I guess that changes it from uterus to fundus. Whatever.  It measured right were it should for 20 weeks, so, so far so good.  Both me and the kid are growing at the correct rate and that’s swell.

Oh, while I was in the waiting room, I saw a newly pregnant, formerly over-employed, nicely dressed in 3 seasons old clothes, 30 something waiting. She looked uncomfortable.  She tried to keep to herself and not pay attention to the two homeless men who were talking loudly about the prison sentences they had served since they last saw each other and which half-way homes are the most lenient with regards to drug use and late nights while they waited to use the free showers and clothing exchange at the clinic. She’ll get used to it.

A side view of my belly.

The shower people wait pretty quietly and most of the time and they are indistinguishable from the rest of us except most are men and none are pregnant.

I also saw another woman I have spoken to quite a few times.  She is 39 weeks and was in PR. She’s 34 and has been unemployed for almost two years, since the company she was working for was bought by a media conglomerate and they canned all of the office except the owner of her firm.  We are kinda like kindred spirits, but we haven’t said as much to each other. We don’t speak much when we are inside. Outside, while we are waiting for the waiting room to open first thing in the morning, when our conversation is less likely to be listened on, we talk a little. We shared who we used to be. She, unlike me, is married, however, so she at least did something orthodox.  Too bad her husband is a writer. If she had had the good sense to fall in love with and marry a mechanic she wouldn’t be waiting in the free clinic waiting room with the men who are waiting for showers. So, we’ve welcomed another one of us into the fold in the waiting room.

When I’m driving during the day in LA, I almost always have the radio tuned to something with the news and traffic conditions. There are two AM stations that I go between.  One has traffic on the fives and the other has traffic on the ones.  I always forget which one is which so that means I end up listening to commercials and sports news while waiting for the ones or the fives to pop up. I find sports and sportscasters so annoying, I actually prefer to listen to commercials or nothing at all, but when I’m waiting to hear how long it’s going to take me to make it from Hollywood to Downtown, listening to nothing isn’t a choice. Yesterday, traffic was bad.  I hadn’t even jumped on the freeway because by the time I had gotten in the car, I heard the tail end of the traffic report and somewhere, the 101 was completely backed up but I didn’t know where the back up ended, so I was going to take surface streets the would give me easy access to the freeway until I could figure out where the stoppage ended. I knew it would be longer to wait for that station to tell me what the road conditions were, so I switched to the other channel and just had to wait it out.  It was commercials. Meh. I shut my brain mostly off and thought about food while I waited until I heard the middle of a Mike Diamond plumber commercial.

In the greater LA Metro area, Mike Diamond Plumber brands themselves as The Smell Good Plumber.  They change up their commercials on quarterly schedules so you don’t get tired of hearing them, but that doesn’t really work. They are always annoying.  This one their newest one. In the commercial they retardedly claim their plumbers will show up on time and smell better than a new car wrapped in bacon.  It was this point that I could feel the right side of my upper lip raise, Elvis-like, and my eyes roll and pull back to the right. Sigh. Bacon? Really? I love bacon as much as the next person but come on! I’m so friggin’ tired of bacon everything. I don’t know where it started.  But bacon is everywhere now and it’s so fucking annoying.  Yes, we get it! Bacon is awesome. Is it awesome enough to have it tattooed on you? Apparently it is as thousands of disgusting hipsters have it emblazoned on their skinny, pale wrists or their bony sides. I’ve even seen it on a neck. It’s like the Pokemon craze. Now, even the normals are raging about bacon.  I’ve found countless blogs that are bacon based. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a magazine dedicated to bacon and bacon related topics. It’s the new thing, the new thing that isn’t new and now it’s annoying. Am I the only one who is fucking tired of it? I can’t be. Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones that is making me find this so irritating.

There was a time in my life, I time I know as “Before Knocked Up” when little things, like bacon love, didn’t bother me. I could stand in line behind someone who smelled of a heady mix of booze, stale cigarettes and B.O. and not retch. I could wait on hold with my bank for 15 minutes and not want to stab someone in the face by the time they finally answered the phone. I would rarely, if ever, yell at other drivers and tell them maybe they should consider public transportation because the streets are not for imbeciles. Yes, there was a time.  Now, I still have moments when I’m not crazy. Like a dementia patient who one moment knows who you are and why you are there. I breath a sigh of relief when I realize I am acting normal and nothing feels so wonderful. Sometimes, I can manage an entire day when I don’t feel like a harpy. Other days, something irritates me almost as soon as I wake up and I spend my whole day trying to push the reset button become myself again.

Ah, pregnancy hormones. I understand now. I didn’t before but that didn’t keep me from having many irritating opinions about how pregnant women behave. I will admit it. I was wrong. I was super, fucking wrong. You really can’t help it. Any time a pregnant chick is being patient and pleasant and smiling, she is working to be that way and to stay that way. I know it now and I wish I had been gentler on my sex and I wish I had shut my big, fat mouth up before. Sorry girls, I was ignorant and I was an asshole.


Sickness, Tears and Masses of Energy

After a week of feeling like absolute dog turds, I finally am feeling better.  I still have a little bit of a cough but it’s just slightly annoying and has dwindled to just a cough every hour or so.  Because I have a short torso and the little stinker is growing fast, my lungs are beginning to be compressed anyways, so free breathing won’t be the norm for at least 3 more months. Fun! I don’t mind though. It’s all for a good cause.  I know that every illness I have while I’m preggers, gives the little stinker real deal immunity to that illness through the antibodies that will be present in my colostrum and breast milk. So, while he is safely held in my quickly expanding belly, I’ll take any illness that won’t kill me or harm him in there. Bring ’em! I will somewhat happily deal with sniffles and coughs,  aches and sleepiness if it means that his first year of life will be mostly free of them. God! Did you read that? I’ve become protective over a person I’ve never met. Already. It must be the pregnancy hormones.

I have finally started to feel him move and wriggle about and that makes all of this feel so much more real.  Of course, I know that sounds a little mental. I had seen him on screen at least 3 times and have heard his little heart beat away many times so I knew he was real by the time I was 12 weeks, but it seemed rather abstract until I felt him.  I didn’t have the little goldfish like movements or the gentle fluttering that can be mistaken for gas, I skipped that part all together.  I have big huge movements. Like there is a rather playful kitten in my belly.  A playful and declawed kitten. (for the record, I believe declawing is bad.)

The first time it really happened, his dad was here to accompany me to the Big Ultrasound and was laying in bed with me while we watched a documentary on Netflix.  J.H. had his hand on my belly and I felt the little monster move up to the front of my uterus.  That part actually smarts a little. I think maybe he pushes off the back wall and then somehow wedges himself between the placenta and the front. It feels like a mild cramp. Imagine a commando in a spy movie who hides in the ceiling of a hallway so they can shoot the bad guy from above, that is how I imagine him.  With his little limbs spread and locked in place.  So, monster gets himself in position and then just kinda hangs out there at first.  I feel down there and can clearly feel a little head or a little butt under my hands and tell J.H. what it is.  He gets excited and starts to coo at the kid and lo and behold the kiddo starts moving his little arms and legs. So cute. So cool. He is moving with enough strength that when I have my hand on my belly as I have found myself often doing (so I can catch him moving) the force will lift my finger up about half an inch or so.

The little one has kept up appearances pretty regular for a week.  They are usually around 11 pm, regardless of whether I’ve been laying in bed all day or not.  I’ll often get a little hello during the day as well and then if my bladder is full and I try to  bend over, I’ll get a friendly reminder not to squish the monster by a swift kick in the bladder which makes me pee myself. Thanks, kid.  It’s so wild feeling him in there. I don’t believe his “soul” or consciousness has actually arrived in his body yet as I don’t think that happens until birth or just before birth but it is pretty rad that there is something there and it’s alive.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to that lately though, the thought that in a few months, I’m going to meet the spirit who chose me as a parent. The universe currently has a non-physical being who is thinking about jumping into a body soon and I’m in the running. Right now, there it’s not “empty” of energy, but the energy is pure and universal feeling for now.  Like the feeling you get when you take a deep breath and realize it’s a beautiful day, but all of that awesome, warm, powerful feeling of love and gratitude is compressed into this little melon sized bundle of energy. But, there is some being who is going to check my stats and say, “Sure, that one will due.” Like it’s choosing an apartment or college. So strange.  I picture a bulletin board and that makes me laugh so I’ll just stay with that image.

I know not everyone believes the same sort of thing and that’s cool.  I’m not here to convert anyone as it doesn’t affect me in anyway what anyone else believes. I have many friends who believe there is nothing before or after and their beliefs totally make sense to me and it makes me happy that most of them think that my beliefs are just an adorable sort of mental disorder I have.  I have other friends who think there is God and He makes all of the big decisions for us and we must just trust in Him. I hope they like that I think their beliefs are adorable mental disorders and I love them more for being so silly.  People are funny about what we believe and what makes us happy and I am happy for it.

So, we are half-way through the pregnancy, for real.  I still find the whole thing a little shocking. I am continually amazed by the amount of support I’m getting from my friends who never cease to amaze me. This is, for sure, enhanced by the pregnancy hormones as I can feel the tears welling up already but I am so happy I have all of these completely awesome people in my life.  The non-awesome ones cleared out pretty quick and what I’m left with makes me smile and feel more loved and cared for than I have felt for most of my life. So, thanks guys. You know who you are.  Yup, there’s the tears.

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