Tag Archives: friends

Sickness, Tears and Masses of Energy

After a week of feeling like absolute dog turds, I finally am feeling better.  I still have a little bit of a cough but it’s just slightly annoying and has dwindled to just a cough every hour or so.  Because I have a short torso and the little stinker is growing fast, my lungs are beginning to be compressed anyways, so free breathing won’t be the norm for at least 3 more months. Fun! I don’t mind though. It’s all for a good cause.  I know that every illness I have while I’m preggers, gives the little stinker real deal immunity to that illness through the antibodies that will be present in my colostrum and breast milk. So, while he is safely held in my quickly expanding belly, I’ll take any illness that won’t kill me or harm him in there. Bring ’em! I will somewhat happily deal with sniffles and coughs,  aches and sleepiness if it means that his first year of life will be mostly free of them. God! Did you read that? I’ve become protective over a person I’ve never met. Already. It must be the pregnancy hormones.

I have finally started to feel him move and wriggle about and that makes all of this feel so much more real.  Of course, I know that sounds a little mental. I had seen him on screen at least 3 times and have heard his little heart beat away many times so I knew he was real by the time I was 12 weeks, but it seemed rather abstract until I felt him.  I didn’t have the little goldfish like movements or the gentle fluttering that can be mistaken for gas, I skipped that part all together.  I have big huge movements. Like there is a rather playful kitten in my belly.  A playful and declawed kitten. (for the record, I believe declawing is bad.)

The first time it really happened, his dad was here to accompany me to the Big Ultrasound and was laying in bed with me while we watched a documentary on Netflix.  J.H. had his hand on my belly and I felt the little monster move up to the front of my uterus.  That part actually smarts a little. I think maybe he pushes off the back wall and then somehow wedges himself between the placenta and the front. It feels like a mild cramp. Imagine a commando in a spy movie who hides in the ceiling of a hallway so they can shoot the bad guy from above, that is how I imagine him.  With his little limbs spread and locked in place.  So, monster gets himself in position and then just kinda hangs out there at first.  I feel down there and can clearly feel a little head or a little butt under my hands and tell J.H. what it is.  He gets excited and starts to coo at the kid and lo and behold the kiddo starts moving his little arms and legs. So cute. So cool. He is moving with enough strength that when I have my hand on my belly as I have found myself often doing (so I can catch him moving) the force will lift my finger up about half an inch or so.

The little one has kept up appearances pretty regular for a week.  They are usually around 11 pm, regardless of whether I’ve been laying in bed all day or not.  I’ll often get a little hello during the day as well and then if my bladder is full and I try to  bend over, I’ll get a friendly reminder not to squish the monster by a swift kick in the bladder which makes me pee myself. Thanks, kid.  It’s so wild feeling him in there. I don’t believe his “soul” or consciousness has actually arrived in his body yet as I don’t think that happens until birth or just before birth but it is pretty rad that there is something there and it’s alive.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to that lately though, the thought that in a few months, I’m going to meet the spirit who chose me as a parent. The universe currently has a non-physical being who is thinking about jumping into a body soon and I’m in the running. Right now, there it’s not “empty” of energy, but the energy is pure and universal feeling for now.  Like the feeling you get when you take a deep breath and realize it’s a beautiful day, but all of that awesome, warm, powerful feeling of love and gratitude is compressed into this little melon sized bundle of energy. But, there is some being who is going to check my stats and say, “Sure, that one will due.” Like it’s choosing an apartment or college. So strange.  I picture a bulletin board and that makes me laugh so I’ll just stay with that image.

I know not everyone believes the same sort of thing and that’s cool.  I’m not here to convert anyone as it doesn’t affect me in anyway what anyone else believes. I have many friends who believe there is nothing before or after and their beliefs totally make sense to me and it makes me happy that most of them think that my beliefs are just an adorable sort of mental disorder I have.  I have other friends who think there is God and He makes all of the big decisions for us and we must just trust in Him. I hope they like that I think their beliefs are adorable mental disorders and I love them more for being so silly.  People are funny about what we believe and what makes us happy and I am happy for it.

So, we are half-way through the pregnancy, for real.  I still find the whole thing a little shocking. I am continually amazed by the amount of support I’m getting from my friends who never cease to amaze me. This is, for sure, enhanced by the pregnancy hormones as I can feel the tears welling up already but I am so happy I have all of these completely awesome people in my life.  The non-awesome ones cleared out pretty quick and what I’m left with makes me smile and feel more loved and cared for than I have felt for most of my life. So, thanks guys. You know who you are.  Yup, there’s the tears.


Do You Think I Didn’t Already Think of That?

Not very often, but just occasionally, rarely or sometimes, I run into a friend who has not seen me since before I announced my condition.  Well,  actually, that’s a lie, I very often run into friends who have not seen me since I announced the impending little monster, what I not very often, occasionally, rarely or sometimes run into, is a friend who hasn’t seen me since the announcement and they would like to play a little Devil’s Advocate with me. I assume when they are doing this that they are concerned that I don’t have the mental capacity to think critically or to look at my current situation from the outside. I understand this can be a problem for some, mainly very young people or very self-absorbed people which oftentimes goes hand in hand.  The problem with playing Devil’s Advocate with people who are either or both very young or very self-absorbed is they don’t appreciate it for being the caring, self-sacrificing with love activity that it is.  Well, I’m not terribly sure that it is any of those things, but that is what I have been told it is by the three who have played this little game with me.  It seems like it must be though. Pointing out my glaring character flaws, my tragic employment situation, and the difficulty of who I happened to have my bastard child with (not because of him, as none of them have met him, they just know that he is, regrettably, nearly six years my junior and horror of all horrors, an artist and craftsman.) It must be difficult indeed to carefully point these problems out and then expound on how if they were to decide to have a child they would make sure they are doing the exact opposite of what I have done because that is the only way to raise a child who is not a delinquent or mentally retarded.  Sometimes, I’ve even been told that perhaps I would never be able to raise a child who could be anything but a delinquent.  It is so difficult to point out another’s faults, so I really do appreciate this service they are offering.  Very selfless.

Does that all sound a little defensive? Yeah, I guess it does and do you know what really bothers me about this? I shouldn’t have to defend myself against my friends. My friends should know me well enough to know that I am capable and even prone to critical thought.  They should already know that this is not a decision I would ever take lightly.  And you know what? They should just support me and baring that, they should just shut up about it. If I wanted opinions about my pregnancy, I would have said something along the lines of, “Hey, I’ve recently found out I’m knocked up, it would be great to have opinions of what I should do about it.”  I didn’t say that though. I just announced it.  I did talk about the prospect of my being pregnant with a few people before I knew for sure that I was.  I spent hours talking with these friends about what I may do, about my options and how I felt about it.  I asked them for their opinions and they gave them to me readily.  I took the opinions and chewed them over.  Not everyone thought it was a great idea. Not all were excited about it at the time. I wasn’t offended, hell, I didn’t even really know how I felt about it. Sometimes, I still don’t know how I feel about it. But, that is to be expected, this a big deal.  Perhaps, my mistake was not asking everyone what they thought before I had made the decision.  Then again, possibly, the reason I didn’t ask for these people’s opinions when I was deciding what to do is that I didn’t want to hear what they had to say.  Maybe I knew that these people had a tendency to be self-important and judgmental. Maybe.  Maybe I just hadn’t seen them, or hadn’t seen them in a quiet situation without lots of ears around besides our own so I would be comfortable discussing serious issues.  Maybe, I thought they had their own problems to deal with and didn’t want to burden them with mine. Maybe, I thought they were busy-bodies.

Whatever my reason for not discussing my issue with them, it stands as it is. I made the decision without them. But, just because they were not involved in the decision does not mean it wasn’t well thought out. It does not mean that I didn’t ask myself the same questions they asked me.  I doesn’t mean that I’m just letting life happen to me without thought or care. This is the biggest decision I will ever make because I’m not just affecting me or another consenting adult. I’m going to be bringing another person into this world and into my life, for better or for worse.  The relationship you have with your child is really the only one where there is a real guarantee of for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part.  And it is a huge responsibility. Of course I thought about it. I agonized over it. I lost sleep over it. I worried. I fretted. I stressed. I cried. I made lists and points and counter-points and brainstormed and researched and soul-searched. In short, I did everything and then some that a responsible, reasonable, intelligent person would do when they have to make a huge decision. Because this is a huge decision and there were a lot of things for me to consider. So, yeah, I know all the obstacles before me, but didn’t you think that maybe I had already thought of that?

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