I’ve gotten into the part of pregnancy I will now refer to as the “wearing ill fitting clothing” period. I went shopping the other day and bought my first actual maternity clothes. Even my leggings had become too binding and were leaving my belly skin sore. This is quite a feat as I bought large size leggings when I realized I was getting too full of baby to wear my normal ones. Considering my belly is almost 40 inches around now, I guess it shouldn’t be so surprising but come on! Partly, this is because my skin has become annoyingly sensitive. I can’t even wash it everyday because it gets so dry and ouchy. So, because of baby monster, I take a lot of whore baths and just wash the bits and pieces and the feet and my pits, which are now, hairless.
So, after I bought my super huge maternity bra, I ran over to Target and looked in the maternity section. It didn’t take long. It’s two racks. Two. Out of 4000 racks in the womens’ section, only two of them have maternity clothes on them. I know I live in LA and we are a young people and also a highly selfish, non-breeding sort out here, but come on. We are also interested in wearing clothing that makes us look decent and you would figure because of the shifting demographic for Target that they could do better than two racks. There isn’t even a clearance section for maternity. Probably because there are only ever two racks worth of clothing and from necessity, all of the clothing gets purchased.
I decided I would get some jeans. You know. Jeans. Everyone wears them. I don’t normally, but I do own a pair or two and they had a place in my wardrobe before my belly started to look like I had really bad liver problems. I extended the usefulness of my jeans using something known as belly bands that look like a tube top. I will probably repurpose them as just that after the kid is pooped out provided my stomach doesn’t look like ground beef like many chicks I’ve seen. God, that shit is just horrible. I eat tons of pure fat and I’m hoping that will help prevent me getting that horrible, saggy sack of ruined skin on my stomach. We’ll see. One whole side of the jean rack was devoted to capri jeans. Who the fuck thought capri length jeans were a good idea for pregnant chicks? I know fashion models who look dumpy with fat calves while wearing capri length jeans. No one, ever looks good in them. Ever. They are just not attractive. They are especially not attractive when you have a belly that is bigger around than a small moon. It’s just not a good shape. Although, there really is nothing quite like capris to say to the world that you have stopped caring about looking good and that you are a mom, so maybe that is it. Maybe the pregnant chicks who wear them want the world to know they have just given up. That must be it.
I walk to the other side of the rack and see other, longer jeans. What I’m really looking for are a pair of black, straight leg jeans. Size four. What I find are boot cut, light blue, distressed. I don’t wear light colored jeans, with the exception of one pair of light grey, super tight, skinny jeans that are really more like leggings than anything. I can only wear them when I haven’t had any booze or sugar for days as they show even the tiniest bulge. Well, used to wear them. They don’t fit so well now. Sadly. I did find one pair of jeans that would do. Dark wash, normal length, boot cut. Fine. Size two, but that’s okay too. I tried them on and was actually amazed at how they fit. Awesome. Thank you Target and your $30 maternity jeans. Thank you very much.
Bolstered by this, I wore the jeans for two days. I was wrong about them fitting well. After the first day, the started to sag and give me diaper butt every time I sat down. In order to get rid of this little problem, I would have to pull them up every time I sat down. Then, while sitting , I noticed the front part of the elastic would fall and create a big fat ripple on the front of my ample belly. So, like a heavy girl who is still trying in vain to fit into the clothes she wore before she became heavy, I have to pull up the front of the pants to hide the big fatty looking spot. Then, when I stand, it’s too high and cuts right into my nether parts and that won’t do so I have to adjust that and pull the back up. Again, like a girl with a muffin top trying to keep it from hanging all out.
This is what my life has become and I assume until I get into the moo-moo phase of the pregnancy, when all I want to wear is huge caftans, it will be like this. Sigh. I really hate nothing more than wearing clothing that doesn’t fit properly so this is a huge problem. A whole season of ill fitting clothing. It’s a nightmare. Thank god my shoes still fit. I seem to have escaped the dreaded huge feet that sometimes accompany pregnancy. For now, that is.