Last night, instead of sleeping at 9:30, like I wanted to do, like I thought I was going to do, I decided to turn on the ol’ iTunes and listen to The Best of Elton John while I searched the internet for things that would make me worry. This is a totally healthy thing to do. Nothing like a little fretting about birth defects to make you drift right off to restful sleep. Right? Elton John was also probably not the best idea either, have you really listened to “Candle in The Wind” or even worse they version he wrote for the late Princess Di? I swear I just teared up thinking about it. Since I have become preggers and even long before I found out, I’ve been so emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat. I’ve found this totally useful when trying to get government services and when trying to see the doctor closer to my appointment time than the hour and half or so they will force you to wait at the County Hospital, other than that though, it’s pretty annoying. It makes me feel like a basket case. Let’s not pretend that I’m not a basket case because I totally am, but it’s really the only thing that makes me feel like I am.
I think I hold it together pretty well most of the time. As a rule, I don’t spend much of my time worrying about things or thinking in worse case scenarios. It’s not that I stick my head in the sand, but I don’t think much can be gained by focusing on what can go wrong almost to the exclusion of what can and probably will go right. For some strange reason, I guess probably because I’m at the point of not return with the pregnancy, I have thrown that philosophy right out the window. By the way, totally off topic, I just tried to spell philosophy, phyllosophy, yeah like phyllo. As in thin, buttery, flakey phyllo. Mmmm. Baklava. Mmmmm. Okay, enough of that little side bar, back to the matter at hand. There really is nothing I can do about this pregnancy. I have ruled out abortion, obviously, but it was always still a possibility. I wasn’t illegal for me to do it before. I could still get it done if there was something wrong with the little monster or if there was something wrong with me, but now, it’s out.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I don’t want this kiddo. I do. I just think about how hard this world can be for people who are not bright or attractive or “normal” and it really scares the hell out of me. I wasn’t normal looking as a teenager, but that was my own doing. No one made me shave my head or die my hair purple (actually it was dusty rose and it was a really awesome color) or wear black lipstick. I could change that at any point. I still dealt with staring and being called names and it sucked, but at least it if I got tired of it, I could normal it up my suffering would be over. If I have a little retard kid, there is no amount of self-reflection and J. Crew that is going to make it fit it and stop the taunting. God, just listen to this. What an asshole I am. Who the fuck do I think I am saying things like “how hard this world can be.” See? Fucking emotional.
Anyhoo, I’ve seen that the kid has all it’s little arms and legs, it should have four of each, right? It’s head is average size and it’s misshapen little body is what is to be expected and is the proper size in relation to the head and limbs. I still don’t know what kind of monster I’m having. Whale has been ruled out, because of the size and because the nasal cavities appear to be in the middle of the face now that the eyes have begun to migrate from the sides of it’s little squishy head. With whales, the nasal cavity starts to move to the tops of their noggins. Their eyes don’t move. They stay on the sides, but they lose their gills too, just like us. Oh and yes, I did spend four hours a week or so ago watching NatGeo programs with titles like “Inside the Womb: Puppies” and “Inside the Womb: Dolphins.”
The only I can’t see right now, is if there are probably with the skin itself so naturally, that is the sort of birth defect I focused on last night. Now, a cleft palate, involves the bone in the top of the mouth that separates the mouth from the nasal cavities. When this is malformed, which it can be without skin involvement or with it, all sorts of fun things can happen. Things like the babeeh not being able to feed properly or snot dripping from the nasal cavities directly into the mouth and making the kid gag on it’s own snot. Yeah, I know, of course I would be able to sleep after reading and thinking about that. Well, luckily for me and my little monster, bone defects are fairly easily seen at the normal ultrasound and so far so good. The palate appears to be formed normally. Cleft lip is when there is no bone involvement but just the skin of the upper lip is involved. Again, there can be problems with breast feeding, but not nearly as bad as with the cleft palate. Relatively speaking, it’s a simple fix, but speaking like a normal person, I would prefer not to have to fix anything on my kid when I pop it out. I would prefer for it to come out perfect. In time, it can decide to do with itself, but I want the little monster to be perfectly normal on arrival.
I really should try not to tip my arm towards the camera. It makes it look huge. I swear my arms haven't gotten even a little bigger.
fellintomotherhood 